TWELVE MONTHS

February 24, 2014

I'm not sure why it has taken me so long to write you your twelve month letter. As each day would pass, I would ask myself, will I write Ruthie her one year letter today? And until now I was always dragging my feet about it. I guess it's because I have so many emotions about this month in particular. Twelve months. One whole year. Not only have you grown so much but I think your papa and I have too, and maybe that's why this one is a bit harder to write - because as much as it's about you, it's also about us.

My sweet girl - Do you have any idea how loved you are? How worthy and valued you are? We kiss your face and whisper it in your ear almost every hour, yet I know there will come a time in your life where you question all of these things. If you have shown us anything in the past year, it is that unconditional love is real. Through the sleepless nights, and tiny tantrums you have just begun throwing, and the questioning of whether or not we are doing this right, we love you. We love you so much it breaks our hearts a little. Not the sad kind of heartbreak, but the kind where it physically hurts thinking that one day you will hurt. This feeling I have for you, it is overwhelming and all consuming and frightening and exciting. It is thrilling and alarming. It is the very feeling that I'm sure every mother feels for their child yet it seems so extraordinary. Like I am holding this magical secret and got to be the lucky one. I know that's not true but it is hard for me to believe other moms love their children as much as I love you. Of course, I know they do but that is just how immense this feeling of love I have for you is. That it feels as if it is truly one of a kind.

You have turned into such a funny little girl. Laughing and fake laughing at your own little jokes. You think touching my toes is hysterical and if I wiggle them even the teensiest bit while you have hold, forget it. You love other kids. So much so that it is almost a problem. As soon as you spot another tiny human you head straight for them, grabbing their noses and pulling up on them so you can be as close as humanly possible. I love this about you. You are so loving, giving everyone the benefit of the doubt. I can already hear your preschool teachers telling me how you love to help new friends in the class or how you are always the one to ask a friend if she's okay after she's fallen. At least I hope so. I hope that you will have a heart big enough to share and to also let others in.

I can't even begin to describe how much you have changed me in the past year. I have learned to be selfless and how to run on very little sleep. I've discovered how delicious a warmed up cup of coffee at 3 pm can actually taste and most importantly how to share your father with another girl. In fact, seeing your papa with you has been one of the greatest gifts this past year has given me. When I tell you that he is the the whole package, trust me. Your papa is what all the boys (and eventually) men should strive to be for you. He will be the one that gives you a healthy view of men and I can not thank God enough for the example you will see in him. He treats us the way a man should treat a wife and daughter. We are so lucky, babe.

As soon as you turned one, people began to ask when we would be giving you a sibling, and while we do want you to have sisters and brothers, we are enjoying you so, so much. It is hard to envision another little human around here because you pretty much hang the moon in our eyes. I guess what I'm trying to say is that for the first time in my entire life, I am content. I can't thank you enough for showing me how to just be.

My heart is struggling to end this letter. As I read back through it, it doesn't even begin to scratch the surface on what this past year has been. I am not the writer I wish I was - I just don't have the ability or talent to write the right words. You are every bit as wonderful as I hoped a child of mine would be. Motherhood is incredible in every way I could have imagined. I am so lucky. That might sound silly to say I'm lucky, but it is true. Everyone doesn't get to have this job or love it the way that I do and so I will say it again. I am so lucky. Thank you, Ruthie, for the best year of my life. I so look forward to watching you grow into the amazing person you are destined to be.

I love you x infinity forever and ever and to the moon and back. I love you so much.

5 COMMENTS:

  1. Oh my. This made me tear up and although we don't have children yet this makes my heart warm for the day we do!

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  2. You might think you're not as good a writer as you wish you were, but this letter goes deeper than the surface of a mother's love, I can assure you. Beautiful words!

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    1. Thank you so much for the assurance :) I appreciate more than you probably know.

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  3. Lindsay, this is so beautifully and honestly written. I think your writing is impeccable...don't give it up. :)

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