February 17, 2015

The other day I was sitting in Ru's room, rocking her as she slept and started thinking about the future and the possibility of another baby. I've had these thoughts for some time and know there is no rush in having another babe and in the right time, things will happen the way they are supposed to but still, I can't help but feel a little sad that in this moment, the idea of another babe is not exciting to me. I know for sure that I want more children. I'm not questioning that - I just wish I could feel as excited as I did when we were thinking of baby number 1. I posted these words to my Instagram account and the comments of encouragement and support really helped me feel not alone. Thank you, if you contributed to that conversation. It meant so much. 

'A few thoughts as I sit here with my 2 year old daughter sound asleep in my arms for the last hour with nothing else to do but think. First off, I am NOT pregnant. This is us, her and I, 2 years ago. Actually, I was getting ready to meet her on this exact day- my last shot of me with her tucked away safely. I was being induced in just several hours and was overwhelmed. Nick snapped this photo of us just as we were heading out the door. And now, the best 2 years of my life so far gone by and talk of maybe another baby sometime not so far away. And here's where I struggle. I want my daughter to have siblings 100% and I love nothing more in the entire universe than mothering, but I'm just not excited about it. Baby fever? Don't have it. But gosh did I when we were trying for R. I wanted her so deeply and the fact that I'm void of that same feeling now saddens me to no end. 

Me and this little family have such a good thing going. My days with JUST her are so cherished. I mourn the thought of those days being gone. Things are getting easy- she sleeps, travels, eats anything, is the best little buddy there is and the idea of starting again and rocking everyone's world is frightening. I also know having another child would be amazing beyond belief and that the love I feel for this one would be the same for another but it's hard. It's hard to imagine it all and to say goodbye to life as it is now. I feel like I am the only mama with these sad thoughts on having another baby. 

Motherhood. It always catches me in the rawest ways.'

Did anyone else feel like this for baby 2, 3, or 4? Maybe I won't ever feel that deep desire to have another baby but once they arrive I'll wonder how I ever lived without them? Also, Ruthie is baby obsessed. I so badly want to give her a sibling and know that I will one day. In the meantime, I'm trying to make sense of my feelings and find contentment in the fact that I just may not feel the same way I did about pregnancy 2 years ago. And that's okay.


  1. I think you're doing a great thing sharing this. From my experience, I KNEW I wanted baby #2 NOW when I got baby fever. Just like with my first one, and just as you experienced with Ruthie, I think you'll start feeling that desire with everything in your body, and then when that babe arrives, you will think "how did I live without you?" I am thinking about baby #3 and although my husband is done with two, I don't FEEL this great knowing for another child, just little pangs here and there, but they are not enough to make such a huge decision. You're a wonderful mama that follows her intuition, I just know you'll know when the time is right.

  2. When we had Efrem my heart was full. I never thought I'd see the day where my baby fever was gone. I knew we needed to adopt again but I knew I would be ok if we didn't get a newborn. I said that over and over again. I was searching all of the state photo listings, and then we got the call for our daughter. Holy cow did I fall hard. I am glad that I didn't need another newborn. I was content before her and I am even more content after. I feel so blessed. Your feelings are normal and you will know when it's time... or you won't and it will be a surprise.

    1. Motherhood is a crazy journey of emotions. I feel completely full now - completely, BUT, i still know that I want Ruthie to have a sister or brother (or both!) I just don't know if i'm supposed to wait until I feel that deep yearning again or just go a head and do it so my kids can grow up together, close in age. Because like I said, I know once another baby arrives, my heart will burst of happiness...

  3. II read your ig post the other day, but was too sick to actually write anything. Lots of good comments on there and interesting to hear people’s perspectives and honestly yes, no perfect time and no perfect gap in age… I think we tend to over think it bc there’s so much weird societal pressure and interest in when we are having our next kid or if there will be a next kid etc.
    I have to admit, I felt it around the 2 year mark for Stella, but ironically I got that baby fever really hard a little after she was 2, but it was short lived. And mostly bc I knew I didn’t want another winter baby and I wanted my kids to be farther in age so the older one could be more self sufficient and Not to even get into the whole pregnancy thing.
    I know everyone has their different reasons and there are benefits and challenges to having kids close in age and having them spread apart and I’m sure at the end of the day it works out for everyone bc it has to, sometimes planned, sometimes unplanned. I used to think people were crazy to get pregnant quickly after their first (or whatever #...) bc I couldn’t imagine being pregnant with a baby, but then again, not everyone gets sick when pregnant and hey we all have our own reasons! That too was short lived when I realized who cares, whatever works for them may not work for me and sometimes everything looks pretty from the outside.
    I digress here as you have me in reflection mode as well, but back to the yearning for baby fever part: did I have it? no. BUT, that’s not to say I wasn’t excited to try for #2 knowing that we had a hope for a “spring” baby and Stella would be just shy of 3.5 and more self-sufficient when the time comes for this little person to grace us! It was a little anti-climactic with the pregnancy test etc, but seeing the + sign or whatever it was did bring a “stamp” of reality to the matter and a sense of new excitement for the next great adventure! That’s not to say during this pregnancy I didn’t have moments of “what did we do?” and “what will I do with 2 when I feel so sick pregnant taking care of 1?” or just like you mentioned “why did we rock the boat when we’ve conquered so many milestones this year?” BUT I’d also be lying if I said I’m NOT very excited to meet this child and see Stella interact as a big sister even knowing the transition will bring different challenges of its own. I’m just going to chalk it up to the dance of parenthood! I truly will miss the 1v1 time of taking out my galpal, but I’ve had a full 3 years of that special time and for that I’m pretty grateful. Hey, at the end of the day you and nick will choose what works for you and that will be how it’s supposed to be; fever or no fever, planned or unplanned, whatever works!

    1. It's weird how we are all wired so differently. I have friends who felt ready before their firsts even turned one - something I could not even imagine. It's not that I don't think I couldn't handle an almost 3 year old and baby - I could - I'm just so sad thinking of not being able to devote my entire heart to Ru. I know my feelings will all change once another child enters our lives and I'll look back now thinking I was crazy for ever feeling this way. I want our kids to grow up close in age and so that's where I'm stuck - Do I just try to get pregnant so I can give the gift of sisterhood to R or do I actually wait until I feel that yearning for another again? Such a strange place to be...

    2. That's my main sadness in some regard here.... not being fully devoted to Stella since I was for so long (and blessed at that), but on the same token, I know it will be good for her. And crazy for all of us haha! And although the yearning was different, I surely can say I'm ready for a #2. Nothing wrong with waiting for that or just saying whatever happens happens. It'll certainly be exciting for your family whenever it happens :)

  4. My advice would be go for it. I panicked beyond belief when i realized that the "longing" for pregnancy didn't appear to come along second time around. I was so caught up in my little bubble of love for my first (a daughter) and so frightened that i couldn't possibly love another child the way i loved my daughter, or that she would feel she was being pushed down the line. We were blessed with a second pregnancy when our daughter was 2 years and 3 months and it was utter joy watching her experience ultra sounds, baby kicks, reading books about her becoming "big sister" and THEN.. when baby number 2 did arrive (a son) well.... then... then your heart explodes all over again when you see your 2 little people meet for the first time and become best friends. Without a doubt, being a mum of 2 is the best feeling in the world... Yet again, i do not long for another pregnancy. Our son is now 2 years and 3 months old (same age his big sister was when we found out he was on his way) i have no doubt we will be blessed with another pregnancy in the not too distant future and i am so excited to see what happens!
    Good luck to you and your lovely family... i cant wait to read your next blog and to see whats in store for you all next!

    1. Thanks, Sharlene! Your story sounds so much like the one we'll have and I love hearing how it was magic even though you never had that longing. Thank you, thank you, thank you!


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